Your Country is Calling Upon You to Serve: Kristi For Freedom

Make Immigrants Howl

Kristi On Deck 

My name is Kristi Noem. It’s a pen name; as real as the fake lashes and hair extensions that I wear for work and photo ops. I like my hair long. It makes me look more human. The man I admire most, outside of my husband, is Donald Trump. As President, he helped me become the U.S. Secretary of Homeland Security (DHS). 

I was sworn into office by the Supreme Court Justice, Judge Clarence Thomas. I felt totally relaxed. We know many of the same people. He scored roughly $4 million bucks in luxury trips, sporting events, and got his mother’s house paid for, without reporting it.  

I was appointed to the DHS in spite of no experience or training in police work, corrections or formal military. The only immigrants that I knew worked for me or my neighbors on the farm. I was fresh to the job. I did, however, graduate high school in South Dakota, where I was crowned ‘Snow Queen.” It must have been my Norwegian roots, and light skin. Anyway, I tried college, but left without graduating. I never really liked to study. 

I was probably hired by President Trump because we have a lot in common. In 2023, while governor of South Dakota, I failed to disclose $80,000 that I received as ‘dark money’ from unknown sources. From 1995 to 2016, I received $3.7 million in farm subsidies for our family farm of less than 200 acres, even though I’m strongly against Federal programs and handouts. Only lazy people take handouts.  

The one I feel most strongly about, however, is what happened when my father died in roughly 1994. I went screaming to the legislature that I had received a notice of “death tax” that I owed on my inheritance. I couldn’t stand the government trying to take money from me. It turned out, however, that my mother was still alive, and therefore, our inheritance from my father would automatically transfer to my mother without tax. Oh well, veracity has never been my strong point. 

I actually have more in common with President Trump than financial schemes, and trying to avoid taxes. In 2025, the New Yorker reported that I was having an affair with a guy who works for me. I made him my chief of staff. I refuted this. I have a god-fearing marriage – mostly on-again-off again. 

President Trump can relate to this too. I went to Smile Texas, a dental practice, to have my front teeth fixed after they were damaged in an accident. I made an infomercial-style video on social media celebrating my new smile and the dental business as governor of South Dakota. I stated that “it gave me confidence.” A lawsuit was filed for misleading advertisement; I made no disclosures concerning any financial exchanges or rewards. One thing for sure, I have the winningest smile at Mar-a-Lago, hands down. 

Since we both loathe immigrants, I set about redesigning the DHS. I had my team create the tag line, “Your Country is Calling Upon You to Serve”. “All qualified men and women—brave and heroic Americans– are encouraged to apply for a rewarding position with ICE.” Like the old days of vigilante groups in America.  

Next, we had to create a cause, motivated by fear and government protection. How’s this; “We must protect Americans from cross-border crime and those that threaten national security and public safety.” President Trump chimed in “those coming across our borders are killers and rapists.” And then we added a tone of seriousness: “Defend our homeland”, which someone on my staff probably lifted from Nazi propaganda. 

“Anyone obstructing our efforts to enforce immigration laws will be charged with violating national security.” Just like that lady, Renee Good, who was shot and killed by an ICE officer in her car in Minneapolis. I knew before the news of what actually happened was released that she was a “domestic terrorist.” That’s why I’m having her family investigated.   

I often avoid facts to create impact: roughly 75% of immigrants nabbed have no prior criminal convictions, not even parking tickets; 40% are women, 90 percent are Latino, mostly Mexicans, and 6 percent are black, with 20 percent of black individuals reporting abuse.*  

Thanks to Trump and fellow Republicans, my big beautiful budget is $107.9 billion, with $62.2 billion earmarked for discretionary spending. In fact, this is a tight budget so the President and I are eliminating protection status for Somali refugees. That’s right. Get them out of here. They cost us money. I don’t even like their food. 

Problems in White Paradise

Running DHS is an expensive undertaking. Not only because of the new prisons we’ve had to build on swampland with gators in Florida, or the 65,000 people we have in detention at any one time, but my employee turnover is lousy. It’s as bad as hiring farm hands that don’t work out. 

These ingrates start the ICE program, get an entry level signing bonus of $25,000 to $30,000 and then, after some challenging fieldwork they quit. Only the most vicious survive. We’ve had to hire 26,000 new agents to grow the field force by 5,000; 70 percent are men. Then roughly 1 in 4 quit, and the fucking suicide rates among weaklings are rising. We hired 3,500 agents for Border Patrol and 3,100 were lost to attrition. Scum. 

We sent out a DHS survey to determine problems and morale. But there were too many negative comments, so I blasted the survey as poorly constructed and misleading. It looked like the questions were out of order. Based on my entry level statistics course in college, I felt confident in my opinions. More confident about my smile. 

My field officers will tell you that I run a tight ship. Ask Tom, a recent hire last year. 

Tom’s Dream Job

Hi Tom. Kristi said you’d be great to talk with about your job. “OK?”

“Sure.” “I was thinking about applying for a job at Walmart for $18.00 an hour with benefits. Great starting pay for a guy out of junior college. Then, my friend Jack told me that the DHS was hiring for entry level jobs at $30.00 an hour. I applied to get trained as a Deportation Officer. 

The website said ‘rigorous online application’ and solid physical fitness required. I’m not sure what was rigorous about the whole process – name, address, military record, and not more than a two page resume. I had worked in a grocery store, MacDonald’s and as a night guard. It seemed  straight forward to me. I did take a polygraph test and passed. That was easy. They also lowered the training standards from 16 weeks of law enforcement training to 6 weeks.  Piece of cake. 

I was trained to detain people, conduct raids, separate families, racial profile and shoot a gun. Wow. This was exciting stuff. Except I hated the noise that the gun made when I fired it. I always managed to hit something at target practice, even with my eyes closed while I pulled the trigger. The only part I found physically challenging was the simulation. I had to tackle, roll and drag a 170 pound plastic mannequin like real life.  What a drag, so to speak. 

All I had to do on the written part, was pass a test with a score of 70 percent. I didn’t quite understand the comment on the necessity of “strong critical thinking skills.” I’m not big on critical thinking. If I didn’t pass the first time, no worries. There was a remedial training course that I could take. Oh well, I passed, 72 percent. 

Thanks to DHS, and my signing bonus I was able to pay off my credit card debt and put some money in the bank. Meanwhile, I’m protecting America from illegal aliens, and all those creeps who threaten America.” 

Final Note From Kristi

Tough decisions have never scared me. In fact, I wrote about one of them in my memoir because I wanted Americans to understand who I am. I once had a young dog named Cricket. She wasn’t a good hunting dog. She chased birds, killed a neighbor’s chickens, and embarrassed me. Some people would call that training failure. I call it a character test.

I took her to a gravel pit and shot her myself. Leadership means doing what others are too weak to do, and not apologizing for it later. The media didn’t understand the lesson, but real Americans did.

Editor’s Note

ICE is funded through annual congressional appropriations. If you oppose the expansion of detention, deportation forces, and discretionary DHS spending, contact your U.S. House Representative and Senators and urge them to vote against increased funding for ICE and DHS enforcement programs.

You can find your representatives at house.gov and senate.gov. Calls matter more than emails.

Sources

* Pew Research, August 21, 2025

* Kristi Noem, websites, and interviews 

* Clarence Thomas, Senate Judiciary Report, 2024